Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was forced to retire as a Gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   Whoever said "nothing good ever happens at 2 am" clearly never went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and found out the guy also sells weed.

   .... Happy 240th Birthday America.

   Step One: Always have a solid alibi.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   Going to Walmart makes me appreciate the little things like pants that fit, deodorant, and dental insurance.

   The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

   Now I'm worried there's a Pokemon somewhere in my bedroom laughing at me naked.

   The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.

   Haven't played Pokemon Go so I couldn't be part of any conversations at work today.

   I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn't work here.

   Who needs coffee when you can meet up for jagerbombs on a Thursday morning.

   Kids wonder about too many things for people who haven't been high.

   Pokemon Go is now more popular than Tinder another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

   Let someone else come in my yard looking for a Pokemon, the only thing you are going to catch are "these hands"

   Kids today are socially awkward because of their phones. I don't need a phone for that...I have all organic, farm fresh, free range anxiety.

   North Korea declares war against US. What did Seth Rogen and James Franco do this time?

   Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.