Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way. 
Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water
Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.
When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.
They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them.
It's cool that both Twitter and Games of Thrones are all about 140 characters.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??
Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.
My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.
me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)
If robots take over, I feel pretty good about my chance of survival. Most of them seem to really like my tweets.
Googling to find out what you just voted for....should be the last resort.
Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.
So apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them..
Now is the time when we need the calm and reassuring wisdom of people who studied abroad in the UK for a semester this summer. 