Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   ..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!

   I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.