GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip: If your wife cooks, make sure the smoke detector has good batteries in it!

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   Newsflash to all the haters out there trying to hate on me: I'm not going anywhere!

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Marriage tip #3: When you have to run some errands and your wife doesn't want to go with you, just grab yourself some Dunkin Donuts, don't get her any. When she asks why you didn't grab her anything, just say, "If you truly loved me, you would have gone w

   I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse even know about Taco Bell's $4.99 deal.

   Maybe we need a 100% tariff on microphones to prevent idiots from doing podcasts.

   And to whoever wrote that nice post, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

   Good night haters!!!!!

   Em htiw ssem ot seirt ereh no esle enoyna ro uoy fi neppah ot gniog si tahw s'taht esuaC. sregnarts etelpmomc tuoba parc gniklat rof uoy fo tuo dekcik parc eht nettog reve uoy evaH !ztangI yeH

   Shhhh hear that??? (Hears crickets). That's the sound of your audience to your bad jokes.

   Says the guy who keeps insulting random strangers on the Internet and who won't even reveal himself.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently "A way out" wasn't the right answer.

   Loser huh??? I'm not the one sitting in my mother's basement bullying and making fun of other people and trying to remain anonymous about it! If you're going to bully someone, why don't you show yourself???

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.