Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

   If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.