Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.

   There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks

   I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....