Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.

   You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Curiously enough, pulling out of Trumpcare is also the GOP's new birth control strategy.

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?