Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   If you don't have anything interesting to say, say it in a status update.

   Skiing is my favorite way of getting a head injury while freezing to death.

   with great power,come's a great electric bill.

   would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life

   How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....

   If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good

   Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.

   Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.

   If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.

   who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?

   Youre never too old to learn something stupid

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!