Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   Sure are a lot of gender reveals for their being no genders

   the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.