GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!

   Before you mock children who still believe in Santa, remember there are still adults who believe everything they read on Facebook.

   Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation.

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   To all the people that couldn't stand me this year, just letting you know next year is going to be even worse.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, "The customer with the most money".

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   I tried to play hide and seek. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off the leash.

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   My boss asked me to write down two things I liked about my job. Apparently lunch time and quitting time are not the right answers.

   Everybody's a little bit crazy... It's just that some of us aren't afraid to take it out for a walk in public.

   What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

   Egg prices are dropping. It turns out that if you stop killing chickens, they lay more eggs.

   Worried about rising gas prices? Taco Bell and White Castle sell gas for less than $2.

   Wife: Have you seen the broom? Me: Where did you put it when you landed?