Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.