GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   Why do people say, "Tuna fish sandwich"? Nobody says, "Chicken Bird Sandwich".

   I hear lots of jokes I can steal.

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go". Well, we showed them.

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.