Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   Whenever someone asks "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me"? Come prepared! Keep a banana lodged in the depths of your underwear, pull in out and say "It's just a banana. I'm never happy to see you"!

   That awkward moment when you realize even Hitler found his soulmate, yet you can't even seem to find that last bag of potato chips in the cabinet.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   I ask you , who Hasn't drank a bottle of fireball then went down the park slide naked at least once your honor ?

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   she is never yours, its just your turn.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   When your phone dies and you realize you're jealous

   I'm very angry because I wasn't wearing my glasses at the store and I bought curry powder instead of the saffron I needed. I'll make use of it; I'm just mad about saffron.

   Likes his own stuff and not funny

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Those who dismiss progressive rock as being pretentious are most likely part of the crowd that only knows 3 chords.

   Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive. He'll only accept a WhatsApp doc.

   There are people who think the moon landings were staged, the holocaust never happened and the earth is flat. Yet they hang on every word on the message found inside a fortune cookie.

   Somethings in life I’ll never understand, like how there could be a group on Facebook called Facebookers Anonymous, thats like walking into an open bar where their holding an AA meeting.