Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?
←Rate | 06-17-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
←Rate | 06-17-2020 15:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.
←Rate | 06-23-2020 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
←Rate | 06-29-2020 10:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 20:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
←Rate | 05-31-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!
←Rate | 06-02-2020 17:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
←Rate | 06-12-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 11:52 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
←Rate | 11-15-2018 18:02 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...
←Rate | 06-16-2020 08:58 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
←Rate | 10-13-2018 22:02 Comments (0)  




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