Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.