Funny Status Messages

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   [Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees