Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly