Funny Status Messages

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.

   Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?

   you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.