Funny Status Messages

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   Keep your head high, but your middle finger higher

   Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic

   Excuse me. Anyone know when the Occupy Hooters rally starts?

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   Saaay, there's that turkey. #bowlwinder

   Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody's getting.

   why is my writing white in the search bar up by the find status?

   Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.

   "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

   Some people call me the Space Cowboy., some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice.... those people suck at nicknames.

   Guys try too hard to sound intelligent on Facebook to impress a chick who's sleeping with a dude who can't even read

   For the record, people don't get arrested and indicted on "no evidence" but continue on with your delusions.

   If Democrats ever thought illegals were voting for Republicans, you'd be able to see the wall from outer space!

   Girls, just because you're on your period doesn't mean your timeline needs to be too.

   You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.

   Nothing's louder than a quiet bathroom when you have diarrhoea.

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.