Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.

   Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!

   Midnight bathroom trip...eyes forward, avoid mirrors, happy thoughts.

   Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not.

   Don't grow up. It's a trap!

   It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

   i only pay my cell phone bill when they disconnect my phone.....

   BREAKING NEWS: CNN reports that Anderson Cooper is straight.

   If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.

   Hey I found your nose! It was in everyone elses business again!!!

   with some of the ugly pics some people post of themselves, I'm just glad facebook isnt in HD

   Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.

   There is no "i" in liar

   I got 99 problems and sexual frustration plays a huge part in all of them

   Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!

   I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones