Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

   I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.