Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!

   Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin

   I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"

   Lord, give me patience or a really good lawyer.

   I'm not drunk, I'm just trying to walk like Jack Sparrow.

   Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.

   should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is

   Sometimes I feel like I understand it all...And then sometimes De Speaka No Englis

   Save up to 100% in gifts when you break up a day before VDay & make up 2days after!!

   To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.

   hooked on ebonics...tru dat dawg

   To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.

   I think facebook is a teenager...its going through alot of changes lately

   69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.

   dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.

   overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.

   you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.