Funny Status Messages

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.

   I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.

   It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas

   I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..

   If facebook gets shutdown will Tom send me my password from Myspace back?

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!