Funny Status Messages

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.