Funny Status Messages
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up. 
Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!
I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.
You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.
"You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!
German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"
Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there
My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!
Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....
Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.
I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.
Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.
Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.
aside from your face, what is your problem? :D
Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.
I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.
I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff. 