Funny Status Messages

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.