Funny Status Messages

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.

   DUI of the Tiger