Funny Status Messages

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

   I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

   What are the chances that Hurricane Earl will make a little detour and head up north to wipe out the cast of Jersey Shore?

   reminding you that you need to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm going to turn mine back to when I was 25.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   can't get this nicorette stuff lit.

   needs to find the stuff that's making his hair turn white and direct it towards his teeth.

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!

   What are the odds that Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch have another friendly 30 minute chat to talk about golfing and grandchildren?

   Man, there's a lot of people here suffering from advanced butt hurt. Do we need to call a whambulance for you?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!