Funny Status Messages

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p