Funny Status Messages

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.