Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.