Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.