SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   That which does not kill me has been everything so far.

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.

   But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.