Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.