Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.