Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's drink: The Quarantini. It's a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.