Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

   I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by, "that's him officer"

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.