Funny Status Messages
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I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap. 
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?
Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.
I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
You had me at “we have a warrant”
I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good. 