Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send