Funny Status Messages

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.