Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.