Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”