Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   Whenever someone asks "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me"? Come prepared! Keep a banana lodged in the depths of your underwear, pull in out and say "It's just a banana. I'm never happy to see you"!

   That awkward moment when you realize even Hitler found his soulmate, yet you can't even seem to find that last bag of potato chips in the cabinet.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   I ask you , who Hasn't drank a bottle of fireball then went down the park slide naked at least once your honor ?

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.