phoenix1029 Funny Status Messages

   ☑Hockey mask ☑Machete ☑Sexually-irresponsible campers Let's roll...

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   singing, "Nah-nah-nah nah. Nah-nah-nah nah. Hey, hey-hey. Goodbye!"

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   somewhere in Alaska, Sarah Palin is asking, "Who died?"

   wonders why Monopoly never gave us any explanation as to why we had to "Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200". Seriously, what the hell was that about?

   What the hell do Facebook employees do when they're bored at work? ~phoenix1029

   Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off. 

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   Dear Fellow Motorist, When your nosehairs get so long you have a boog flapping in the wind hanging on for dear life that can be seen one lane over, I think it's time to invest in a trimmer. Sincerely, Really Grossed Out

   Well, it looks like Ebola has taken a break from mass hysteria to let us celebrate Thanksgiving.

   New Urban Legand: If you stand in front of a mirror at midnight and scroll so far down your Timeline, you'll end up on MySpace.