Phire Funny Status Messages

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   if you listen to the Charlie Sheen interview backwards you can hear Gaddafi laughing at Bambi dying.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.