Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Most historians agree that Marie Antoinette's first menstrual cycle was one of the greatest periods in history.

   A more fitting name for Target would be "How The Heck Did I Spend $233.44?!?!"

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   ..... Unfortunately in the real world an organization urging to SAVE Humanity ....... Sadly .... is almost always a front for a politically motivated group seeking to rule it.

   Just created a Tinder page for my dog and he's already got more right swipes than me.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.

   The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.

   Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.

   No thanks, DailyDish. I don't want to see what the cast of Petticoat Junction looks like now. I'm guessing skeletons.

   Siri is turning into my mom and asking random questions like, "Do you need something? Can I help you? Are you going out wearing that?"

   If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?

   Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

   Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.

   It's so damn hot I think I'll go put the toilet seat up on purpose so I can get a cold Icy stare from my girlfriend