Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.

   If you weren't sure whether or not to book a hotel in a Native American community, would that be a reservation reservation reservation?

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.