Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   We need more statues of naked women

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.