Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive. 
KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.
Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.
Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."
" Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "
Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere 