Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.

   Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!

   Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.